SPACE MADNESS: THE MOVIE

By Mike Schneider
Updated: 10:20 p.m. ET Feb 23, 2007
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - What would happen if an astronaut came unglued in space and, say, destroyed the ship’s oxygen system or tried to open the hatch and kill everyone aboard?
That was the question on some minds after the apparent breakdown of Lisa Nowak, arrested in Orlando this month on charges she tried to kidnap and kill a woman she regarded as her rival for another astronaut’s affections.
It turns out NASA has a detailed set of written procedures for dealing with a suicidal or psychotic astronaut in space. The documents, obtained this week by The Associated Press, say the astronaut’s crewmates should bind his wrists and ankles with duct tape, tie him down with a bungee cord and inject him with tranquilizers if necessary
Wait, there's more...

The crew members might have to rely in large part on brute strength to subdue an out-of-control astronaut. A gun would be out of the question; a bullet could pierce a spaceship and could kill everyone. There are no stun guns on hand either.
How Moonraker!...

Space station medical kits contain tranquilizers and anti-depression, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic medications. Shuttle medical kits have anti-psychotic medication but not antidepressants, since they take several weeks to be effective and shuttle flights last less than two weeks...
I suppose a cocktail is out of the question...You know, Lisa wasn't really crazy, she was passionate. OH, LISA...WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE YOU ALONE? Similarly the android in the movie "Alien" wasn't crazy. He just wasn't taking his meds. I claimed the term "space madness" and should've copywritten it. I knew someone would jump on it. I want to form a band and call it "Space Madness" or "Diaper to Orlando" or "Crazy Astronaut".

You know it's a matter of time until there's a movie. Maybe they'll let me write it. I'd do a bang-up job, but I'd put an alien in her trunk.

Space Madness

Robochick & Billy-O

2 gether 4 ever

I'm not sure that the whole story is true. I'm talking about the derranged astronaut who drove all night to confront her lovers lover. The details are still surfacing, but there's one thing that will be forever fact: she drove all night in her space diapers:

According to police, she was the Robochick and he was Billy-O [Bill Oefelein]. Her obsession with him led her to drive 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, bringing with her a trenchcoat and wig, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, and wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom breaks on the arduous drive.--MSNBC

I've included a photo that describes that there used to be something for women called a "disposable absorption containment trunk". This is no longer vogue with the female astronaut and she now uses an adult diaper like "Depends". Convenient since she could buy them at the HEB in Houston before driving all night to Orlando. Good thing she didn't have to wear this contraption that you can find at the NASA Johnson Space Center. I think that this just goes to show that Ms. Nowak is a practical woman. She's also a woman on a mission. The type of woman I want in space. As long as she stays away my man.

Poor Lisa "Robochick" Nowak. (I'm copywriting "No-wack-o"...you can't have it) Who can blame a mother of three? Maybe it's space madness. Is there such a thing? I'm sure there has to be. It's like when Johnny Depp was an astronaut and went into space and came back in "The Ninth Gate" as a space alien. Well...it was a bad movie...and she's probably not a space alien, but...space madness.

Her conversation with herself at the HOME DEPOT while she was buying the mallet, the rope, the tubing and garbage bags:

I've got the BB gun, the knife..now all I need is...

Excuse me..will this mallet break anything like...say someone's...I mean to say...would this break cow bones? I'm trying to break up a carcass...it was a frozen cow...in my back yard. We're in Houston. Yes. We are. How did it get frozen? Good question. You see I'm an astronaut...

"Billy-O" IS an astronaut and I am an astronaut. He had a picture made in his space suit. I had a picture made in my space suit. When the kids go to show-n-tell they can bring two astronauts, not just me. Wouldn't it be cool if both of their parents were astronauts.

Excuse me where is your rubber tubing?

Valentine's Day is coming up soon and he's single and I'm seperated...WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?!?!?!

Have you seen this woman,Colleen Shipman? Billy-O has. He loves it. The way she is all Miss Crabtree. SHE'S NOT EVEN AN ASTRONAUT!!! Obviously one of us has lost their minds...AND IT'S NOT ME!!!!

I need the biggest garbage bags I can find...

Oh, he's a play-ah. Look at him. He knows his way around an air force base. "Hey, you know I'm an astronaut...sometimes when I'm looking out that window onto this big blue marble I think, hey...life is short not to say how you feel..." I'm sure she fell for that one like I did. Oh, or this one, "I'm falling for you harder than our re-entry module" Please. "You want to see me in my space suit? You know it looks better on the floor" Space is the final frontier. HA!

I'm sorry...what?...Did I find everything OK? Well...Do you carry adult diapers? No? Debit please.

LISA, MY LISA

DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS WHAT LOVING A MAN CAN DO TO YOU? YOU WERE BRIGHT AND CHEERY AND IN YOUR RIGHT MIND. LOOKING SNAZZY IN YOUR ORANGE SUIT AND NOW...LOOK AT YOURSELF...NO...REALLY LOOK AT YOURSELF! I UNDERSTAND THE ROPE, THE KNIFE, THE GARBAGE BAGS, THE TUBING EVEN...BUT A BB GUN? WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO TO HER? SHOOT HER EYE OUT? OH, LISA...