SPACE MADNESS: THE MOVIE

By Mike Schneider
Updated: 10:20 p.m. ET Feb 23, 2007
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - What would happen if an astronaut came unglued in space and, say, destroyed the ship’s oxygen system or tried to open the hatch and kill everyone aboard?
That was the question on some minds after the apparent breakdown of Lisa Nowak, arrested in Orlando this month on charges she tried to kidnap and kill a woman she regarded as her rival for another astronaut’s affections.
It turns out NASA has a detailed set of written procedures for dealing with a suicidal or psychotic astronaut in space. The documents, obtained this week by The Associated Press, say the astronaut’s crewmates should bind his wrists and ankles with duct tape, tie him down with a bungee cord and inject him with tranquilizers if necessary
Wait, there's more...

The crew members might have to rely in large part on brute strength to subdue an out-of-control astronaut. A gun would be out of the question; a bullet could pierce a spaceship and could kill everyone. There are no stun guns on hand either.
How Moonraker!...

Space station medical kits contain tranquilizers and anti-depression, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic medications. Shuttle medical kits have anti-psychotic medication but not antidepressants, since they take several weeks to be effective and shuttle flights last less than two weeks...
I suppose a cocktail is out of the question...You know, Lisa wasn't really crazy, she was passionate. OH, LISA...WHY WON'T THEY LEAVE YOU ALONE? Similarly the android in the movie "Alien" wasn't crazy. He just wasn't taking his meds. I claimed the term "space madness" and should've copywritten it. I knew someone would jump on it. I want to form a band and call it "Space Madness" or "Diaper to Orlando" or "Crazy Astronaut".

You know it's a matter of time until there's a movie. Maybe they'll let me write it. I'd do a bang-up job, but I'd put an alien in her trunk.

Space Madness

Robochick & Billy-O

2 gether 4 ever

I'm not sure that the whole story is true. I'm talking about the derranged astronaut who drove all night to confront her lovers lover. The details are still surfacing, but there's one thing that will be forever fact: she drove all night in her space diapers:

According to police, she was the Robochick and he was Billy-O [Bill Oefelein]. Her obsession with him led her to drive 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, bringing with her a trenchcoat and wig, armed with a BB gun and pepper spray, and wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom breaks on the arduous drive.--MSNBC

I've included a photo that describes that there used to be something for women called a "disposable absorption containment trunk". This is no longer vogue with the female astronaut and she now uses an adult diaper like "Depends". Convenient since she could buy them at the HEB in Houston before driving all night to Orlando. Good thing she didn't have to wear this contraption that you can find at the NASA Johnson Space Center. I think that this just goes to show that Ms. Nowak is a practical woman. She's also a woman on a mission. The type of woman I want in space. As long as she stays away my man.

Poor Lisa "Robochick" Nowak. (I'm copywriting "No-wack-o"...you can't have it) Who can blame a mother of three? Maybe it's space madness. Is there such a thing? I'm sure there has to be. It's like when Johnny Depp was an astronaut and went into space and came back in "The Ninth Gate" as a space alien. Well...it was a bad movie...and she's probably not a space alien, but...space madness.

Her conversation with herself at the HOME DEPOT while she was buying the mallet, the rope, the tubing and garbage bags:

I've got the BB gun, the knife..now all I need is...

Excuse me..will this mallet break anything like...say someone's...I mean to say...would this break cow bones? I'm trying to break up a carcass...it was a frozen cow...in my back yard. We're in Houston. Yes. We are. How did it get frozen? Good question. You see I'm an astronaut...

"Billy-O" IS an astronaut and I am an astronaut. He had a picture made in his space suit. I had a picture made in my space suit. When the kids go to show-n-tell they can bring two astronauts, not just me. Wouldn't it be cool if both of their parents were astronauts.

Excuse me where is your rubber tubing?

Valentine's Day is coming up soon and he's single and I'm seperated...WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?!?!?!

Have you seen this woman,Colleen Shipman? Billy-O has. He loves it. The way she is all Miss Crabtree. SHE'S NOT EVEN AN ASTRONAUT!!! Obviously one of us has lost their minds...AND IT'S NOT ME!!!!

I need the biggest garbage bags I can find...

Oh, he's a play-ah. Look at him. He knows his way around an air force base. "Hey, you know I'm an astronaut...sometimes when I'm looking out that window onto this big blue marble I think, hey...life is short not to say how you feel..." I'm sure she fell for that one like I did. Oh, or this one, "I'm falling for you harder than our re-entry module" Please. "You want to see me in my space suit? You know it looks better on the floor" Space is the final frontier. HA!

I'm sorry...what?...Did I find everything OK? Well...Do you carry adult diapers? No? Debit please.

LISA, MY LISA

DON'T YOU KNOW THIS IS WHAT LOVING A MAN CAN DO TO YOU? YOU WERE BRIGHT AND CHEERY AND IN YOUR RIGHT MIND. LOOKING SNAZZY IN YOUR ORANGE SUIT AND NOW...LOOK AT YOURSELF...NO...REALLY LOOK AT YOURSELF! I UNDERSTAND THE ROPE, THE KNIFE, THE GARBAGE BAGS, THE TUBING EVEN...BUT A BB GUN? WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO TO HER? SHOOT HER EYE OUT? OH, LISA...

Winter finally comes

Winter finally comes to us. This is a nice picture of an icicle hanging off the eve of the house. You can barely see it, but way off in the background is Mt. Pisgah, part of the Balsam range.

A nice, wet snow covered everything. Wet, but one of those clumping snows that fills the trees and bushes and transforms the landscapes into one white horizon.

I sat at the window and watched the snow fall and fall and fall. It was the first real snow and there is nothing like the smell of the first snow.

Air is dipping down from Canada and we're in the house. I've made chili.

Lili, I have found, loves to eat snow. If I left her out all day, she'd do nothing, but obsessively eat the snow. What's that about? Well, it was entertaining, anyway.

Cold and Grey Gardens

It is a cold and sunny day. Our coldest yet. Lili sits with me and stares wanting to go outside and play, but she doesn't understand or care that it's very cold. We clean the house. She's not very helpful. No thumbs and all. She paces and sleeps. Not necessarily in that order.

I've found all these great images from the net. I loved Grey Gardens and loved being there opening weekend. Christine Ebersold was wonderful. I've said that, haven't I?

Lydia wins a Jefferson Award!

Lydia R. Diamond, my friend since high school, won her first Jefferson Award in Chicago for Best New Work. Venus de Voyeurs was nominated along side her other new play, Stick Fly. That both plays were nominated in the same year is a huge accomplishment, much less win!

I recently saw her play, the adaptation of Toni Morrison's The Bluest Eye. A wonderful evening. Great acting and a superb adaptation of one of the nation's classic novels. This adaptation will be there alongside other great play adaptations.

Lydia has one of the truest voices going. I watch her with awe as she becomes one of the brightest talents of the American stage. Watch her with me and cheer her on!

Congratulations Lydia!

New York Theatre--Fall Season 2006

So...let me catch you up a little. I just got back from New York. Staying with my friend Steven in Queens, I caught the train into that magic little place called Manhattan. 15 minutes and I was in Times Square, the Upper West Side, Wall Street, Chelsea, the Village! Bagel, coffee, paper in hand! I love New York!

The first show I saw was "Heartbreak House" with Swoozie Kurtz, Philip Bosco and Lily Rabe (David Rabe and Jill Clayburgh's daughter). An excellent production of one of my favorite plays.ys.

The second night was Lydia's play "The Bluest Eye". It was a beautiful play and I was so proud of my friend. Her voice was all over it. She chose Toni Morrison's prime material and made a play that moves with grace and artistry.

The matinee on Saturday was "The Little Dog Laughed". A great comedy with one of the best comic turns in a long time. Julie White. That matinee she had the audience in the palm of her hand. Go see it!

Saturday night was a wonder. "Grey Gardens". Christine Ebersole is amazing! You marvel at her when she comes to the lip of the stage and owns it! She was very sweet and signed my program. I never wait for that sort of thing, but I thought this was a legendary performance.

Steven and I also saw Jersey Boys. Stood in the cold with theatre geeks and got standing room which is a great way to see a show. I'd rather stand since the seats in Broadway theatres were built for midgets. Surprisingly great. The leads were superb and we were there at Sunday matinee which was their year anniversary of opening.

Lily is an autumn

So I'm posting some oof Lily's latest photos. She loves fall leaves. Loves to run through them. Her coloring also matches the leaves. She is an autumn. We are celebrating our 3 month anniversary.

Halloween and Charlie Brown

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

Tonight at 8pm EST. Don't miss it!

http://www.snoopy.com/


Here are some great pumpkins from Dark Emily and Christine's great Halloween carving party. We watched Carrie and Halloween and carved pumpkins and drank pumpkin ale.

Fall into the corn maze

So it's fall here in the mountains. The color has been gorgeous. Mountains sweeping in gold and red and yellow and umber. When the clouds pass over them it's as if huge lamps were suddenly lit on the patches making a crazy quilt of impressionistic colors. The fall here attracts the multitudes. We're happy we have something to show off this year.

I went to a corn maze party that Gary and Ben threw. First, of course, we went to a corn maze. If you haven't ever been to one, by all means...go! Then go hang out on a deck with a view of the beautiful fall Blue Ridge mountains. A great time was had by all.

Miss Lili Taylor update

A new dog is an adventure. Lily has finally started to settle in. She has a nice kennel now, so she can put away when need be. It seems to calm her when I'm not here, but she doesn't like it when she has to be in there when I'm out in the living room.

She loves her "bone" and anything she can snack on. She grazes the kitchen floor. In the morning she wakes me up to take her out by jumping on my back or side and shaking me awake.

She's quite a beauty don't you think?

Down with the Crown!

Today I ran away and went to South Carolina. Here I live like an Overmountain Man, so I took a trail that they might have taken during the Revolution. Where many of the militia walked to meet up at King's Mountain to help the Piedmont'ers defeat Ferguson. From Asheville through Hickory Nut Gorge t Lake Lure and Chimney Rock. Then backroads to Cowpens.

At Cowpens, I walked to the where the Second Line of the militia stood waiting to fire on the British that they could see clearly through the woods and pasture (thus the name Cowpens...no cows, though). I walked where the despised Tarleton (never forget Camden!) probably rode horseback, sabre in hand. The hour long battle was won by the Patriots on the heels of King's Mountain. This gave Tarleton a mortal blow sending him North and his final surrender at Yorktown.

Then I was off to King's Mountain and stood where Ferguson's horse was shot right from under him. He was plugged 7 times by musket balls and was dragged by his horse while his foot was still in the stirrups. What would've happened if Cornwallis or Tarleton had sent troops. (Cornwallis was in Charlotte, 40 miles away). Col. Patrick Ferguson is still there under a Scottish cairn. He is one of the more sympathetic of the Brits to me. Maybe because he was Scottish. I can't forgive him (and hardly understand) his wearing red and white plaid. This from a man who introduced camoflauge to the British army! What was he thinking?

It was great being swept back in time. Walking back into time with the Redcoats, the Overmountain Men, the militia, Patriots, Loyalists...it was a great day. As I drove back to Asheville, you see the mountains suddenly rise up from the Piedmont. They do rise suddenly and I think of the dauntingness of them to the colonial peoples. How my drive used to be (and still is to me) adventure. The new frontier. I think of those Overmountain Men and how after they defeated (and annihilated) the British and Loyalists at King's Mountain they disappeared into the mists of the mountains. I, too, disappear back to my mountain home. I'll be back until I'm called back to duty.

Pluto's still my friend

So Pluto is no longer a planet. I think about all the kids and adults who were kids who had to do that solar system model. No longer is it accurate? You've got to be kidding?

I had a certain affinity for the planet Pluto. Cold, alone...on the edge of the solar system. God of the Underworld. A certain quiet. He never bothered anybody. Now they say he's a dwarf planet or he's one of Neputune's moons. Pluto was always getting the shaft...even in mythology as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, well. It's like that with all outsiders. Everybody's a critic.

Pluto. I still adore you. No matter what any of those so-called award winning and very well-respected astronomers might say. You are still my favorite. You stay out there...alone with only the black edge of darkness as your friend. I will still think of you when I look up at the heavens. You're still a planet to me.

Lily! Lily! Lily!

Lily has decided that she likes to pee in the house. She also has decided that she likes to chew things. Go figure. She's a puppy. So she's being gated in the kitchen. If you hear her whining, we're not beating her. We're trying to housetrain her. Also, the furniture needs to be without teeth marks.

Oh my! I'll get sleep one of these days.

Joshilyn's new book: Between Georgia

Joshilyn's new book Between, Georgia has hit the shelves and you can see it on every bookshelf in the country. Right now it's on the front table at Barnes and Noble. Go Joshilyn! Joshilyn's Gods in Alabama just won the Southern Independent Bookseller's Alliance award for best novel last year!!! Go to her website for more. JOSHILYNJACKSON.COM

Pictures from the Sordid Lives benefit

Sordid Lives. I have some images to share from my time as a drag queen. Pictured here are college friends: Hunt Scarritt and Amy Bruner. We attended the after party at Cookie LaRue's here in Asheville. All the money went to a good cause as did the proceeds from the play. Brother Boy impersonates Tammy Wynette. With heels and the wig I'm about 8 feet tall. I was huge!

This picture is from the first scene when I'm made to not wear my wig in therapy at a mental hospital where I'm being held against my will. Dr. Eve is trying to cure me from my homosexality. Oh, well, there goes my appointment on the Supreme Court.



Dr. Eve is Kayla, aka Lettuce Lady. She rushed Giselle in Paris for her wearing fur. You go Kayla!

This is Jen Worthen as Bitsy. Originally Olivia Newton-John.

So I promised you pics. READ REVIEW.

Lily Taylor in the house!

Lily Taylor came home with me from the Asheville Humane Society on July 31st, 2006. Today is our week anniversary. Today we started in on some serious training. Frustrating, but she showed encouraging signs, though.

I'm very happy that she's with me. I knew She was the one the moment I saw her. My reaction was much like that to the actress Lily Taylor. So that's my dog's name.

She's addicted to chewing things, but I think that has something to do with seperation anxiety. I've been surfing the web. If you have tips, let me know.

Wish me luck!

Sordid Lives LIVE!!!

I will be playing "Brother Boy" Ingram in "Sordid Lives" at Asheville Community Theatre. The show opens March 31st, April 1st at 8pm, April 2nd at 2:30pm--also--the next weekend--April 7th at 8pm and April 8th at 2:30pm and 8pm. The show is a benefit for a good cause. So come out and see me in heels and false eyelashes! Hide and watch...you won't see it again!

The Messenger of Magnolia Street

Last night I got to catch up with my OLD friend River Jordan. (Check out her blog: River JordanInk.com) Amazing how she hasn't changed in ...how many years...I have known her for....what?...fifteen years!!! Amazing! Any-hoo...she hasn't changed. I mean not a line on her face. Beautiful hair, skin and teeth...and for a writer that's a feat. (We don't have steady insurance)

She had a modest reading at "Malaprop's" last night here in town. Her newest book, "The Messenger of Magnolia Street" is sure to be a hit from the excerpts she read last night. I'm very proud of her. I realized, yet again, what a very good writer she is.

Afterwards, we had supper at "Bouchon" drinking Gigondas and eating lamb shank and steak au poivre. Which is steak in butter basically. Very tasty. Good conversation. Two passionate story-tellers going at it.

Then we went to "Temptations" for cocktails and conversation about the Christian right. Something that we don't want to get into on this blog. Chocolate cake was dry, but put right once River asked for it to be microwaved to our waiter's confusion.

So go out and get this book! There are signed copies of them at Malaprop's.

Farewell, River. Go forth my touchstone wife. My linked power teller. My friend.